in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
