when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
