everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
the condom got lost in my hair
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
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