What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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