I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Randomize
