My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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