I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
