just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
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I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
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my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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