can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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