Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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