Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
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