After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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