the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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