How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
