Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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