At least make sure they are 18
Why
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
