Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
If I die, sorry about rent.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
