I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
