I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
