But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
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