Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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