we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
