if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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