Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
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somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
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