LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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