You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
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having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
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I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.