I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.