she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
