a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
