you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize