Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
