Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I think my fart just growled at me.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
