Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Randomize
