We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
