I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize
