my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Don't EVER smell your tampon
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
