drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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