someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
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