My nipple is on Facebook.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
