You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.