I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
