my phone needs a breathalizer
But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
