god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
