there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
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