I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
