At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
