I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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