I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
