I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
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