Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
