Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
