Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
