I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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