Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
