i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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