Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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