I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I'm drive I can fine osifer
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
